Reactivity takes real work. Years of it. You have to unlearn what your body decided was the only way to stay safe. You have to slow down systems designed to move too fast. You have to fight your own instincts while trying not to scorch the room every time you feel misunderstood.
PaulLinehan.co
Most guys think their reactivity is just a bad habit. Like snapping at the wrong time or losing your cool when someone talks down to you. But that's not the real story. Reactivity is a survival move your body and mind locked in years ago, probably when you were just a kid.
Nobody tells you that reactivity is built into your system. It's the wiring you grew up with. Most of us learned early that the only way to stay safe was to get loud, get sharp, or get out. So by the time you're forty, those reactions aren't conscious. They're automatic. And the world doesn't care. Your boss, your wife, your kids - they just see a man who can't control himself or who disappears when things get tough.
You buy into the lie that you should just be able to "calm down" or "take a breath." But it's not that simple. You can read all the books and listen to every podcast. Still, when you feel misunderstood, your body fires up like it always has. You're fighting your own instincts. Not just thoughts. Systems inside you that move too fast for reason. The cost? You torch relationships. You lose trust. You start to believe you're broken, or that this is just how men are wired.
The worst part? You start avoiding situations where you might react. You shrink your life. You keep it small. You stop speaking up at work. You stop being honest at home. You trade being seen for being safe. And the more you do this, the more you start hating the man you see in the mirror. Because deep down, you know you're not actually dangerous. You're just stuck in a pattern.
Once you see the truth, it's ugly. There's no shortcut. You have to unlearn what kept you safe. That means years of work. Slowing down systems that are built to go off like a fire alarm. Sometimes you'll slip. Sometimes you'll scorch the room again. But if you keep showing up, if you keep fighting the urge to lash out or check out, something shifts. You start catching yourself before the damage is done. Not every time. But enough to know you're changing.
That's when you realize: the actual strength isn't in being unreactive. It's in fighting your own old instincts, day after day, when nobody's watching. It's in not letting the old wiring run your life. The truth is, most guys around you are fighting the same fight. They just won't say it out loud.