Why This Matters

Stop Saying 'I Have To' - It's Killing Your Fire

Most men I know - myself included - walk around with a mental checklist that never ends. The language we use about it is automatic: "I have to go to work." "I have to pick up the kids." "I have to get in shape." You say it without thinking. You feel it in your jaw, your neck, your back. Every 'have to' is a little weight you carry. You end up bracing for impact, even when the day's just started.

Why do we do this? Some of it's how we're raised. Men are supposed to shoulder responsibility, right? If you're not carrying your load, you're not a man. That's the story. You start believing your worth is tied up in what you do for other people, not what you choose for yourself. So you fall in line. You get used to moving through life like you're under orders. You tell yourself it's discipline. You tell yourself it's duty. But it's really a slow leak in your sense of control.

There's a hidden cost nobody talks about. You spend years living like this and your body gets the message: life is a series of chores. You wake up tense. You go to bed tired. You start to wonder if this is just what midlife is. You might even get resentful, but you don't say it out loud. You just keep pushing. The more you say 'I have to,' the smaller you feel inside. You start moving through your own life like a guest, not the owner. That's how men end up burned out, stuck, or quietly angry. It's not the work itself - it's the feeling you're trapped by it.

One day, I tried something different. I stopped saying 'I have to.' I started saying 'I choose to.' Not every time, but enough to notice. Something shifted. My posture changed. My breathing eased up. I realized I wasn't just a passenger. I was still doing the same things - work, family, bills - but the frame was different. I wasn't a victim of my own life. I was making choices, even when they were hard ones. It didn't fix everything. It just made it possible to show up without that heavy armor. It made me remember I have a say in my own story.

The truth is, midlife doesn't have to be a slow fade into obligation. You can't control everything, but you can control your language. That's where the crack in the wall starts. Every time you say 'I choose to,' you remind yourself you're not done. You're still in the fight, on your own terms. You get to decide how you carry your responsibilities. You get to remember you're a man with agency, not a machine built for service.

Next time you catch yourself saying 'I have to,' stop. Try 'I choose to.' See what happens. Nobody else will do it for you.